Thoughts About Julian
There he was, basking in the admiration of his friends and of the rich, good-looking girls who seem to flock around him wherever he goes. I, as always, admired from afar, clutching my big, hardbound Webster and trudging across the campus with my green, lumpy bag. He knew me, yes. He’d smile at me, toss his chin and with a sideways glance would show me his pearly teeth. I’d force myself to smile back, despite the fact that I’d feel rooted to the ground, and would be frozen to that spot I was standing on until he was just a speck in the horizon. That or I’d run like mad, to get away from feeling so much emotion. He would scratch his head at that, I knew, then say, “Ah,” in his wise understanding of my situation, then go back to being the golden boy. It was a struggle to see him everyday, have him smile at me like that, and me having to hide the longing in my eyes, the trembling of my voice, the tremors in my body coursing from my knees to my arms then to my lips. I was always afraid that he’d know. Stupid, silly me falling for him. Ah, Julian. I might as well wish for the moon. But then I was lonely, and my desperate imaginings were all I had. If I can’t have him in reality, in my dreams he was there. All the time. I’d pick up my things, open my books, sing made-up songs, think of his smile, and life would be as normal as I can make it. I’d hidden so much of my longings beneath my blank face and my careful stares that to laugh was not the same anymore. But it was okay. For to laugh would break my facade. It would break me. http://peyups.com/article.khtml?sid=4224
There he was, basking in the admiration of his friends and of the rich, good-looking girls who seem to flock around him wherever he goes. I, as always, admired from afar, clutching my big, hardbound Webster and trudging across the campus with my green, lumpy bag. He knew me, yes. He’d smile at me, toss his chin and with a sideways glance would show me his pearly teeth. I’d force myself to smile back, despite the fact that I’d feel rooted to the ground, and would be frozen to that spot I was standing on until he was just a speck in the horizon. That or I’d run like mad, to get away from feeling so much emotion. He would scratch his head at that, I knew, then say, “Ah,” in his wise understanding of my situation, then go back to being the golden boy. It was a struggle to see him everyday, have him smile at me like that, and me having to hide the longing in my eyes, the trembling of my voice, the tremors in my body coursing from my knees to my arms then to my lips. I was always afraid that he’d know. Stupid, silly me falling for him. Ah, Julian. I might as well wish for the moon. But then I was lonely, and my desperate imaginings were all I had. If I can’t have him in reality, in my dreams he was there. All the time. I’d pick up my things, open my books, sing made-up songs, think of his smile, and life would be as normal as I can make it. I’d hidden so much of my longings beneath my blank face and my careful stares that to laugh was not the same anymore. But it was okay. For to laugh would break my facade. It would break me. http://peyups.com/article.khtml?sid=4224